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L-Hemingway Reporting: Addendum
(At this point I have been notified that the SHELBYwill be making some entries itself. Please know the communication and opinions expressed by the ship as a whole are not endorsed or approved by the specific Neural Lizard crews of the HMS SHELBY)
“Certainty and Fear”
Hello, this is Shelby, not the SHELBY, as I am referred to when the blogs are coming from the fictional Neural lizards in my head. (L-Hemingway edit: We are not fictional.)
It’s been a rough couple of weeks leading up to the Easter weekend meeting.
I am happy to announce that both my fiancé and myself have survived and have come through the ordeal more devoted to each other and with greater confidence in our lives and our choices. So yay for that. Needless to say it’s a long story so I’ll sum it up for those of you out there. They came, they pretended I did not exist, everyone was very tense, a great Salmon was made and a butter sauce was ignored, they left. There you go.
Lately my life has been defined by a constant low level of fear. It is sometimes focused on particular things such as going out dressed up and worrying that I look like a wreck, or on far more vague things like if I am doing the right thing here.
The more vague things are the hardest ones to deal with because the decision doesn’t have an immediate way of being resolved. Also they are the most internal. As I go through this shift change the greatest part of it isn’t the physical changes. Those are easy. Your body does it all automatically. (L-Hemingway Edit: Easy!? Tell that to the guys in the Endocrine system.)
(L-Hemingway edit: Fine.)
Anyway. The point is that it’s automatic. You take a pill, or inject a drug and it happens. Why you do these things is the big question. The idea that anyone just decides one day that ‘Hey I want to live in fear, limit my access to things and endanger myself in comparison to the general public.’ is insane. This is a huge process and I was naive when I thought that once I had begun, this course of action would just be all forward looking.
I recently watched a video of a friend who just finished her SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery), you know, the BIG one. She stated that she was so at peace and the tiny doubts had fled.
I was surprised at this. I thought she had no doubts at all. I suppose that’s a goofy way to have thought about it but I did. Most of the other Trangendered people I have spoken with seem to have some defining moment that stands out like a three story neon pink arrow pointing to a sign that says “You are female.”
I don’t have that. I have a cardboard square tacked up to a lesser part of my cerebellum that reads “Have you seen this girl?” and all the brain lizards walk by it and look for her as they go about their days.
(L-Hemingway edit: Told you we exist)
Get out of my analogy. (L-Hemingway edit: That… would be impossible.)
The point is I am always in doubt, in a state of possible confusion and definitely in a state of low grade fear.
So why do this? Good question. Basically one day during a rather casual conversation I began thinking about the long list of masculine traits I have, or think I should have. First was the way I spoke, and I remembered the year I changed that to blend better with the males I was with. Then I thoughts about the hyper-vigilant way I was in school when I was younger and I studied other guys movements specifically to avoid ‘moving’ in such a way as to be seen as ‘wrong or swishy’. Then I thought of another and another and things just fell apart. It is actually hard to describe.
(L-Larry edit: I can describe it! PANDEMONIUM!)
Shut up Larry.
But the biggest part of it wasn’t realizing these things, it was realizing how authentic I felt when I let them go. It was the lack of this masculine ‘overlay’ that suddenly freed my brain. I literally changed overnight. Things I had liked were now a turn off. Not in passing but drastically and completely. I was happy. Which was a pretty new thing.
Am I happy now? Yes. Does that mean I am without a care in the world?
(L-Larry Edit: Hell no!)
Shut up Larry.
Wait, no he’s right on that one. Between public attacks, possible discrimination and the simple idea of not doing this right I am a wreck a lot of the time. But behind it all there is a strange sense of certainty. Does that help most of the time? I don’t think so, but the one thing it’s doesn’t allow is retreating. For the first time in my life I have something internal that is to dear to me to discard when it gets difficult to handle. I am lucky to have a perfect partner and a fantastic circle of friends who support me. The one person I am most worried about not paying attention to is myself. Which tends to result in a lot of talking to myself.
(L-Hemingway edit: There’s a shock.)
Shut up Hemingway.