Battle Stations!

START LOG: 041711

L-Hemingway Recording.

Today in light of stress and possibly conflict, we aboard the SHELBY are preparing for a fight. Despite movies and books depicting otherwise it is actually quite rare for the average ship to find itself in real combat. Most conflict and stress is dealt with through conversation and subtler actions. Not that these aren’t a form of combat themselves.

There is a lot of stress lately, above and beyond what the retrofit is causing. This has alarms ringing in the Amygdala which is where the Self-Preservation Lizards work. The Fight or Flight crews have been running a LOT of drills. They are all very high strung and hand-picked for their quick response time, although they are a simple and single minded group. Their only concern is keeping the SHELBY alive and safe. They have been busy for a few reasons.

The first reason is new fuel injection system, or Estrogen delivery.

We are now injecting the Estrogen directly with a needle rather than taking it via pills. This technique is less painful than expected. However after 30 minutes of staring at the leg, then trying to move the arm, then staring at the needle, not much was happening. There are a lot of hardwired resistance to stabbing yourself apparently. It is still difficult to override all the safeties but eventually Allen(Arm/Hand Driver Starboard side) did it. All the while Larry is screaming about air embolisms, muscle damage, slicing some unknown nerve that will make the heart stop or other such craziness. It is also not to fun when the psycho L-Harry escapes and keeps offering suggestions like “Hey, just stab it in your heart, that’ll make it work faster.” Yeesh. That guy is creepy.

Larry just sat in the corner with his hands over his ears yelling ‘La la la’ until it was over.  I know we Lizards don’t have actual ears, but saying hands-over-the-tympanic membrane is clunky.

Larry’s possibly justified panic aside, the leg stabbing procedure saves wear and tear on the kidneys having to deal with the ingested type. The crew down in digestion and filtering are a lot happier now with the new fuel injection. Eventually we would like to go to the skin patch as it is even easier on the body.

However Estrogen isn’t the real concern. It’s Progesterone. This stuff is commonly used for Birth Control. Even with all the radical changes happening no one aboard the Shelby thinks it’s going to get pregnant. Aside from Larry. But the effects of this chemical are a powerful boost. All the same things like fat redistribution and  skin changes keep happening but the secondary sexual characteristics are expected to change faster.

However, this chemical is known to have some drawbacks. It can make the Command get all kinds of crazy readings and these are exhibited as sharp mood swings, uncontrolled emotional outbursts and the like. Command aboard the SHELBY hardly needs a new reason to be crazy. It basically tries to convince the system that the Shelby is pregnant. Which has predictably strange effects beyond Larry’s insistence that ‘IT COULD HAPPEN’.

So far we have been processing the Progesterone for 9 days and haven’t experienced any of the negative effects so we are optimistic.

We took the SHELBYout again last week into the public and she handled well, wandering down busy streets and going into a store to do some shopping. I hear that we even hailed another vessel and it went fine. This was the first interaction with an unknown ship completely as the SHELBY. Does wonders for the confidence levels.

With the recent chest growth and structural changes it’s becoming more difficult to travel about as a Jack class ship. We have 6 weeks of the current University training quarter left and the SHELBYstill travels there in the old HMS DAVID design. We will soon have to make stronger efforts to ensure we are seen by the other ship as a Jack class for a little bit longer. The official ship title and legal rechristening is planned for summer. Then the paperwork will be in process to drop the DAVID name and become SHELBY full time.

Now, the event that has reduced Larry to a whimpering puddle. On Friday the 21,  there will be a gathering at our home-dock. This is a group 6 members of the fiance’s family, or her fleet. Currently the ships of that fleet are classified as hostile. This fleet does not support the SHELBY’s retrofitting, so our vessel is just attempting to make this gathering pass with as little combat as possible.

No Lizards here think there will be a an actual war, nothing like that. However from what I know of the situation we expect a lot of arguments and passive aggressive actions. The ECM (Emotional Counter Measures) crew is running simulations non-stop to prepare for fights, comments or possible histrionics. I think that Renfeld’s (Imagination and Simulations) dramatic simulations of these worst case scenarios a bad idea, as it seems to make things worse, but what do I know about fighting, I’m just a clerk in the memory division.

Harry has recommended going into the meeting very drunk. While attractive, this is not an option.

Up in the brain pan Command is telling everyone to remain calm and that projections show the meeting as being far less damaging than expected. However while the retrofit makes the Shelby a prime target of aggression, we fear the real combat will bear down on our partner ship. Her mother-ship has made it clear that her sadness lies more in the fact that the upcoming fleet creation ceremony(or wedding) is between two Jill class ships. Technically a “Marriage” not legal between two Jill class vessels in our current location. However we will be completing the paperwork for the event while the SHELBY is still technically a Jack(Male) class vessel. So there are no legal issues with the marriage.  When the SHELBY’s official gender designation changes to Jill, the government has no legal means of nullifying the marriage just because it is NOW between two female vessels. So there. Pbtbtbtb!

Sorry, that was hardly dignified. I take my liberties in this log when I can.

The Judy Garland Effect

START LOG: 040411

L-Hemingway Recording

The ship is back on track at the university and the daily attempts at uploading new data continues. Yet another electrolysis session has come and gone and the skin guys pretty much just gripe and suck it up now.

The retrofitting is a lot of hurry up and wait. And those of us in Memory and Interpretation are being asked to do a lot of archive retrieval duty lately. Command is constantly running checks to determine the retrofit status. I don’t think anyone expects us to find something to bring the process to a halt but everyone, in all the departments, wants to be sure we are doing this right and for the right reasons. However the parameters for “doing it right” are staggeringly vague.

This leads to a lot of pressure on us on the memory department. Command asks for confirming evidence for the change around every 3 hours. Really. And we always tell them we cannot confirm, we can only show what the ships historical actions have been and let them do the predicting up front.

See the problem is, if you go into the stacks looking for something to confirm a feeling the Emotion or Logical path, you will find it. Every time. It’s called Hindsight Bias and it’s hard to avoid. The fetcher lizards can quite literally make something out of anything. They are experts at pattern creation and rationalization.

If you look back over your life and think, ‘I should have seen this coming.’ you WILL see things that indicate it was. But that just means you’re good at creating patterns that reinforce your beliefs. It’s part of the Command programming. It has to be or we would go crazy.

.

So the fact that the early HMS DAVID didn’t play with dolls may make the Social Conformity cheer and say “HA! We can’t possibly be a Jill Class ship because we would have!”

Then there are the times that the ship had tried cross-dressing as early as ten years old. “HA!” says the retrofit supporters. “That makes it obvious that we were always going to do this.”

There is one problem with that and it’s a big one.

It is the fact that Memory is not perfect.

Down in the memory warehouse there are long shadowy shelves with boxes and crates full of cards that have stuff written on them. Now the media we store this stuff on is just a white neural poster-board. It’s a 3×5 card but it looks the size of a poster to us. Size and space don’t work for us the way it does for a ship remember? And sometimes the handwriting is sloppy, or gets smeared when its filed. We don’t have the best pens. Sometimes the ink bleeds through onto the next card in the box and they all tend to degrade with time.

There is usually not more than a couple words per card, and a request for a specific memory will call for a series of cards depending on its complexity.Fetcher lizards, little guy with sneakers and really fast reading skills shoot off into the stacks, climbing up, down and sideways over boxes crammed with millions of dog eared old cards. They are something to see. They bring back everything they can find that is thought to be relevant.  Then the Interpretation crew assemble the cards into pictures and  broadcast it on the internal view-screens.

This can also create something we call the Judy Garland effect. Named for a particular fetcher Lizards obsession.

Once while communicating casually with several other ships, a trivia question was sent out. We love those down here in Memory, we get to haul ass all over the warehouse and try to dig up a card that is related. We are pretty good at it usually but sometimes… sometimes things get goofy.

The question that caused this whole thing was “Who was it, y’know… that lady who sang in the Sound of Music? Man I should know this.”

Well this is an easy one, the section on that movie is fairly close and common. We sent out the fetchers and they were homing in on it when…

“JUDY GARLAND!”

We all turned around and this one scrawny fetcher lizard is standing there in front of the communicator panting, holding this Mem-card over his head like a trophy torn from an enemy in battle Now the fetcher lizards are mute. Not sure why but they are. They communicate through basic pantomime or with the memory cards they bring up. Makes them interesting to talk to and flat out deadly at charades.

Well this is wrong. Obviously. We knew that singer did the Wizard of Oz. But when a card is missed it’s usually something close. We turned the triumphant lizard away, he sulked a little and wandered back to hunt.

The search, disrupted by this, was now completely scattered. Luckily for the ship it was one of those moments when none of the gathered ships could figure it out. We knew it was common and probably spelled similarly or sound similar.

We jumped back into the hunt and were sorting rapidly through a huge list of movie and music related searches and *almost* had it.

“JUDY GARLAND!”

Everyone froze and turned to see that little bastard standing there again waving the card over his head like mad and that time the ship broadcast the answer before we could stop him.

We instantly sent up a message that this was NOT in fact correct but the ship had already spoken.

Command deployed embarrassment counter-measures. “Judy Garland. Wait.. no. Duh, I know it’s not Judy Garland, that’s Wizard of Oz.. right.. Man I SO have this on the tip of my tongue.”

It is never on the tip of the tongue. We stopped looking there. There is only food bits and saliva on the tip of the tongue. No words. Ever.

We grab the crazy little fetcher lizard, fling him and his beloved card back into the stacks. Being OCD is practically a job requirement in the M&I. When something like this happens we start getting a bit obsessive down here, especially if we know that we have the info, however every query going into the stacks keeps getting ambushed by the white rectangle of JUDY GARLAND waving from the darkness until we finally hunted the little bugger down.

The worst part is this tends to make a trivial question climb waaaay up the priority workload. Suddenly we are devoting more and more time to this, all background stuff though, not on the conscious level.

So when three hours later the SHELBYsuddenly blurts out “IT’S JULIE FREAKIN’ ANDREWS!!!” in the middle of a restaurant, it scares the hell out of any ship within hailing distance. However this is usually accepted once the reasoning is explained to others and often is accompanied by other ships saying things like “Oh yeah, of course, etc.

Down in M&I we all finally relax. We managed to catch the the crazed fetcher when he wasn’t looking and where was the Julie Andrews card we couldn’t find? It was stuck on the OTHER side of the Judy Garland card. Little dumbass just had to flip it over to show us the side he was looking at.

Emotional overhaul and the Twinkie effect.

START LOG:031111

L-Hemingway.

I have been asked to explain what the Command group is exactly. We call them Command, the Brain, or the Confused Ship Committee.

Command is where everything comes together. What the ship feels, thinks, fears and enjoys. It’s a mess to be honest but it works. It’s  made up of Lizards from the big three.  Emotion, Logic, and Self Preservation. These three rarely agree but each one handles their job well. Depending on what the ship is doing, various lizards are in the Big Chair at the time.

Logic: These are the eggheads. These lizards are all math and calculations and rationalizations. When it comes to the gender retrofit these guys are a mess. They support the change due to the evidence shown and they can’t ignore the information that Emotion keeps throwing at them but at the same time they are highly conflicted about the situation. They judge things as best they can and they don’t call on us down in Memory and Interpretation much.

Emotion: Now here is where things are getting shaken up. The Emotions group has nearly tripled its staff and installed all sorts of new equipment and refitted the old stuff. The head of the department is L-Danielle now and she is taking no prisoners. Seriously if she says Cry, you ask how many gallons and get to it. Emotion is suddenly getting a lot more attention and personally I think it’s because of the Estrogen they keep guzzling down there. That stuff is potent. But the ship sure runs better on it.

Self Preservation: Well, these guys are a wreck. Always have been really. The most famous member is of course Larry, but there are others with less insane reactions. These folks assess threats or possible damage. The funny thing is, since the shift-change they are both alot more busy, and a lot less. Due to the long running issues of the DAVID not performing at 100% they were in a constant state of scanning all other Jack class vessels and making sure that the weird urges or ideas that were sneaking through the firmware never showed up. The Self-Preservation crew only knew that not lining up _exactly_ as a Jack Class ship was inviting dangerous combat or attack. They had no idea why the ship kept moving or thinking outside of protocols, they just knew it had to be kept suppressed. This lead to the Self-Preservation crew becoming Hyper-Vigilant and stressed out, constantly recording the actions of other  Jack ships and simulating those actions or ideas.

This created a lot of stress because no one could figure out what the problems were or how to fix it until after the sabotage was discovered. However, as Larry is quick to point out, the stress of faking the outward signs of a Jack class ship was NOTHING compared to the stressors that a gender retrofit would create. Fears of social stigma, threats of physical violence, employment problems, health issues and surgeries, the list goes on.

However the boost in motivation level, comfort and happiness are so off the chart no one (aside from maybe Larry) see the change as a bad thing.

Two of the groups can override a third and this series of checks and balances keeps things moving smoothly most of the time, although sometimes the distributed nature of the decision making process creates a mess.

 

The Twinkie effect.

Something that should be noted is how and why the ship reacts the way it does in some situations. Like it or not the action response to most things is pretty random despite the belief that it is far more controlled. Situations can shift in milliseconds and the ship is not always at its best when information is flying at us.

FOR EXAMPLE:

Often while cruising about the DAVID would spot a ship that was high on the Attractive Scale and the Sex Drive would instantly hit the “CONFIRM” buzzer. Command would roll their eyes but then focus on the other ship and then Command would suddenly stop paying attention to what is going on and just stand there on the bridge staring out the view port saying amazingly intelligent things like;

“Wow, she has great drive nacelles.”

“His eyes are so blue, oh my.”

or my fave…

“Scan the rear quadrant on that ship. Focus. Enhance… Enhance… Enhance…”

Inevitably because they detect our slightly goofy lock-on the other ship will turn and hail the SHELBY.

It’s usually some complex to decipher signal like. “Hi there.”

Now at this point there are literally HUNDREDS of protocols for responding. React favorably, not favorably, stalling, inquisitive, complimentary, insulting… you name it, it’s in the Command instructions.

BUT.

Nobody is at their post, their attention is glued to the big screen. Suddenly the entire Command staff realizes they have all left their stations and are gawking at the attractive ship when the hailing alarm starts going off!

The SHELBY falters while a span of seconds pass. In Lizard terms this is a long time and we are well into the Embarrassment Zone. The other ship is waiting, the SHELBY is still at a 20% tilt staring vacantly as the eyeball drivers start trying to look anywhere other than the other vessel! Everyone starts running for their stations, panicking. Larry never misses this sort of chance and starts screaming ” EVASIVE MANUEVERES! THEY’RE GONNA MACE US! ”

If we are unlucky Harry will break into the bridge at that moment as well and offer helpful commands like “Punch ’em in the head and run for it! They didn’t get a good look at us!”

This all happens in milliseconds, we operate on a different time scale onboard. But in that time, when the ship is listing and just staring it never fails that the only one huge never left their Command post is the huge goon wedged behind his console over in Food / Fuel station. So even before the SHELBY’s face has cleared the vacant and terrified expression from it, Lizard-Food takes charge and sends a reply that he deems important and relevant.

“I like twinkies, do you like twinkies?”

Larry usually passes out around then.

Learning JILL class Camouflage.

STARTLOG: 031011

L-Hemingway

Learning new movements and procedures is a big part of the transition from Jack class ship to a Jill. Some parts are obvious and expected, like the effects of the new estrogen hormones we are dumping into the Endocrine system. Those effects, while feeling a bit emotional and uncontrolled, are well documented. The folks over in the Emotional Control section are paying a lot more attention and have much wider range of responses and hair triggers on some things.

But what I am logging about today is some the learned skills of a Jill class and the dangers and difficulties of those.

First off, the ship is getting a new paint job every day or so. Applying camouflage paints, creams and colors to the face mostly although Jack and Allen have dealt with new paint jobs on the fingernails as well. This process of ‘make up’ is a controversial one even with other Jill class ships. The need for the paint or the concepts it represents have a ton of information behind it. But that’s work for the Logic and Social folks to work out.

The point is that currently the face camouflage is for hiding the Jack class aspects of the vessel that still remain. Think of it is a Stealth system. The ship is identified as a Jill more often with it.

With more electrolysis being done on the facial area we hope to need less of the Make Up stuff.  Dermont down in Outer Hull is against the continuing electrocution of the ship but we showed him some plans and schematics for the more serious stages of the retrofit and he just went all pale and started muttering about healing, tensile strength of skin and scars.

The proper camouflage levels are of the utmost importance, too much and you have a clown scenario, too little and there’s no effect at all. It’s a fine balance and both the aesthetics and the application operations are improving slowly. Some of the application acts are dangerous. Harry began screaming and running around like crazy when the mascara brush started coming at the eyes. I don’t need to explain all the horrors he had the imagination folks whip out in response to that.

One of the strange effects is that during various parts of the Make Up camouflage application, various parts of the face go slack. Nothing can stop it. When applying the mascara stuff the mouth just suddenly hangs open. the Food guy gets all interested but we wave him off as nothing in Make Up is really edible. (This has not been confirmed but we are going with that.)

Jack and Allen are trying their best to keep the hands steady but they are having to learn their way around the new claws, err, fingernails. These are an optional part of the refit, and they are easily removed but for now they stay. However they have created an unexpected issue.

The ship has slightly bad optics, the eyes fixed with aftermarket Contact Lenses and they do the job well enough. However removing them has turned into a struggle with both Jack and Allen doing the best to not jab the eyes while trying to remove the contacts every night.

Once again Larry see’s claws coming at the eyes, him freaking out, sedation, etcetera, etcetera.  I sometimes think he will eventually calm down but it’s just not in his nature.

I hope to make some new reports sooner rather than later and I will be focusing on the new protocols over in Emotion Control. Or as I call it, the crying game. Wow, that is so meta I think I hurt myself.

The Great Hair Massacre.

STARTLOG: 021611

L-Hemingway[Commentary]

Part of the retrofitting is the removal of the facial hair to better fit the profile of a Jill class ship.

What command decided on was a process called “Electrolysis” which sounds very close to Electrocuted. Which would be far more accurate to the resulting actions. This took place on January 27th 2011.

The prospect of facial electrocution didn’t sit too well with the guys over in the Amygdala dept. Larry was having none of this. All he did all day was scream about the electrical processes somehow grounding out into the spinal cord and setting the ship on fire.. internally. He then started running down all the ways the ship could have an allergic reaction to anesthesia and die. Larry is not fun at parties. He was eventually restrained but got away, that’s something Larry and Harry have in common, always managing to escape.

The process itself is pretty straight forward. But let an expert tell you about it, this is L-Dermont, Outer Hull and Temp Regulating.

L-Dermont ForeLizard of Outer Hull and Temp.

Hoi, L-Dermont here. I’m da guy that works on the skin, don’t ever get much credit, but we run the biggest organ on the vessel and don’t forget it.

This whole Jill class thing has us jumping all over. First we get a re-spec on skin softness and now Command tell us ‘Hey, we are going to arc weld out all that upper facial hair, doan worry, it’ll be fine.’ I don’t know what these geckos are thinkin’ in Command, but you can’t arc weld anything outta anything without pissing off the body. Anyhow, let me tell ya how it went.

Motor control docked the ship on a big comfy couch and the face and neck were covered in numbing cream while an additional IV fuel line was run into the right arm and started pumping in fun juice. This stuff got most of the motor response guys toasted and drunk so they didn’t care about much. A lot of the Pain response crew were sent home with pay. Heck we were feeling pretty good in our department.

The commo guys relayed the instructions through drugged static. These instructions mostly consisted of the helpful words. “Don’t move.”

Those words aint never been, and will never be, comforting to hear when at a medical shipyard. Ok, so let me walk ya through this.

First off you got this probe see, it’s thinner than one of the main hairs up top on the head, a real precision instrument. This probe,  it slides down the follicle tubes alongside the hair until it gets to the base. Now this part, this part don’t do nothing. You don’t get a ping on the neural net, no pain no nothing. Probes too small. But then. THEN they go an run a freakin’ electrical bolt into the hair, right there at the base, inside the damn follicle tube and pow, it fries the entire shabang, follicle is toasted, hair is fried, and unless the nerves got really nice and shut off by the numbing, I got folks running around screaming and pointing and the pain Identifier is spitting out crazy crap like “Damage Identified: Hornet Sting, On Fire.” Which is not all that possible really. I hope not anyway.

So anyway… you got the probe down, the blast, probe out, the hair is yanked out, and so on, now do THAT 5261 times, and that was just the first day. They had counters on those machines and I had the commo guys ask for a count at the end of the day. Probe, zap, pull, probe, zap, pull.. those two medic ships have the most boring job in history. Point is, we got zapped for 7.5 hours by two folks, had a day off and then zapped again.

The second zapping was less smooth. We finished the face and then the chest, we ain’t never really had a lot of hair there anyway. Then Command issues the message ‘Hey we’re gonna use the rest of the time for the underarms’.

So, we lay back, they smear goo and then, nothing else. The usual boosters from the Doc ship aren’t there, he’s apparently busy in surgery. The two techs tell us that the pits is one of the least sensitive spots and topical is good to go.

I try to warn ’em but Command just has the arms fold up and grab the gurney and relax. Out come the probes, in go the probes and POW goes the shock.

Let me tell you, things went haywire! I got pain warning lights blowin’ up all over, we get pressure reports that Jack and Allen are overstressin’ the arms and hands gripping the gurney and all the while the probe is just pulsing like a red hot needle under there. I am throwing every abort message I can up to the brainpan but apparently someone up there decides we can just ride it out.

The two medic ships are surprised. They say it shouldn’t be doin’ that. Well no crap it shouldn’t. But does anyone listen to Skin Control, hell no. They say that the pits should be less sensitive, not more.

About this time the medic ships say they aren’t going to keep going because of the pain reaction. Whew, I get ready for Lymph and damage control but then, lemme tell you THEN, we  hails the ships and say…

“No, keep going, it’s alright, I can deal with it. when the doc comes in I can get the numbing better but I don’t want to waste the time.”

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean holy white cell count, what the hell is Command thinking?! The next 45 minutes were hell. We had adrenal crews running through amping everyone up and yelling, then the druggies from the endorphin collective came in and things got a bit stupid. THEN that freak show Larry comes running through screaming, wearing a sign proclaiming THE END IS NEAR!

Which shows what he knows, the armpits are geographically a ways from the end, dumbass.

Anyway, the doc eventually comes in and well, he is the doc for a reason. He takes one look at the ship, laying there in cold sweat gripping the gurney and tilts his head, then hails us.

“Hey Shelby, do you sweat more than most folks?”

“Yeah, like crazy compared to most sometimes.” Yeah, like they knew that. I thank glucose that this Doctor ship is here, because yeah, the pits do, hell the whole skin runs about 2 to 3 times higher than the manuals normal perspiration and cooling cycle. It’s just a thing, all ships have peculiarities.

And hey guess what, doc says it’s from a massive over abundance of sensory cells in the pits and other areas. Well La-de-da.. I was trying to tell Command this but like I said, no one listens to us out here. The Doc nods, jabs a needle into the IV fuel line and I watch pain indicators drop off sharply into the low levels and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. He then jabs the areas with a huge needle. He does this like 8 or so times per pit. By this point, we were getting high pain signals but hell we were all pretty drunk and didn’t give a damn.

So, after another hour or so we’re done and the next couple’a days we are working overtime cleaning up the damage. But they did pipe in the images from the mirror after a few days and you know what, it looks pretty damn good, big improvement on the Jack-class scruff. I wouldn’t say pretty but not completely terrible. We might just be able to pull this off.

L-Hemingway-Commentary

[I haven’t the heart to tell Dermont that we have another Electrolysis appointment in about 3 weeks, I just don’t.]

Select Lizard Crew and Jobs

STARTLOG: 020311

Due to inclement weather the ship is docked for at least a day or so, restricted to the dockyards and running various productivity exercises. So now is a good time to introduce the main command crew, or most of it.

L-Hemingway [Commentary] This isn’t all the notable crew but they are a good start. It should be noted that there is no true captain of HMS vessels, it’s run by a real time voting system whose complexities are completely indecipherable, the Commander is a rotating crewman who sits in the BIG CHAIR and collects all data and votes and issues orders based on weighted values. It can be quite bizarre at times. I have never gotten to sit in the big chair. Doesn’t bother me though. Looks uncomfortable.

L-Hemingway. (Historian 3rd M&I. Memory and Interpretation.)

Me. Nothing to noteworthy here, I am the liaison between this log and the Memory and Interpretation division. When I’m not recording the ships actions and history here I am usually down in main memory with the grunt work folks recording input and sending them out into the Cortex warehouse to be stored. I steer clear of most problems, I’m just a reporter is all

.

L-Harry(Unknown)

No one is sure where this Lizard comes from. He is held in the Amygdala Detention level most of the time but manages to continuously escape. Each time he escapes he makes a direct run for the bridge. If L-Harry makes it there he will issue an order in a very calm voice. The orders have included, but are not limited to: “Hey, steer into oncoming traffic, airbags are made for this!” or “See that big dude on the Harley Davidson? Go slap him in the mouth, go on!” and his favorite when near any drop off. “I bet we can TO fly. I bet you!” L-Harry is has been stopped 99.9% of the time by the ever neurotic L-Larry. They are arch enemies. And why we keep Larry around.

L-Larry (Self preservation Police-Special Assignment “Harry Watch”

Oh this guy. Larry is a Self Preservation specialist who takes his job a bit too seriously. His risk assessment runs at 150% all the time and he is generally terrified of everything. The retrofitting is making him insane by the way.

See Larry is the Lizard who, when the ship is approaching a pedestrian crosswalk, starts screaming “Oh god, lookout for the Ferraris, they are too fast! we’d never see them! They could hit us, we could fall, break something, then it would get infected, and it would swell up and get gangrene and that would attract city coyotes and they would EAT US!” He is not well. Never has been but he has to stay on the bridge in case L-Harry shows up.

L-Renfeld.(Director of Imagination and Simulation)

Renfeld is crazy. Sometimes brilliant, sometimes insane but never boring. Renfeld uses the memory cards down in the Cortex warehouse to randomly builds things for entertainment and simulations. He does most of his work on the night shift during the REM cycle. He is sometimes called in by the Cognition dept. to help with difficult problems as he has a talent of seeing things differently. Often however it’s WAY to differently. His favorite clothing is Jello and his favorite color is Platypus.

L-Jack, L-Allen (Upper Motor Drives and Manipulation)

These are drivers of the left and right arms-hand manipulators respectively. They are straight forward blue collar kinda lizards but seem to have an odd sense of humor at times. They will sometimes start conversing externally through pantomime just for kicks and both have been reprimanded for being lewd to other ships with puppets or hand signs. Weird guys.

L-Food. (Food-Fuel Specialist.)

This guy is straight forward. He is crammed behind his control panel at the back of the bridge and just pushes his one big red button whenever the food-fuel levels get low. He does this over and over until food-fuel is loaded or a state of hunger-anger (Hangry) is achieved. No one likes turning around to see him when he is Hangry. we don’t like him when he is Hangry.

L-Hemingway[Commentary] There will be more info on these members of the crew, and the more recent travels of the ship soon. Thanks for reading.

Missions and Dates for the HMS DAVID/SHELBY


START LOG:012811

Lizard Hemingway, 3rd Memories and Recall Division. (L-Hemingway 3rd M&I)

The L designation is silly, as we are ALL lizards here. Sheesh.

To help put the refit into perspective, here’s a short summary of ports and missions up to the present.

1970 -84 Georgia Regions

Mission: Run into things, make noise, test damage control. Upload base education protocols and databases. Learnt to spehl.

1985-90 Germany

Mission: Run into Jill class Ships and discover they make noise. Puberty Endocrine overhaul with the ship going through many wild changes. Discover fantasy simulations (RPGs) Food / Fuel has a field-day eating Bratwurst. Update education data and live in Europe happily. Record Flock of Seagulls songs. Err, Song.

1990-1994 AGE: Texas/ -Redacted-

Mission: Leave Mothership and primary Home port. Finish adult refitting and make contact with Jack Class HMS SAM who will become oldest friend. Other actions redacted.

1994-2001 Texas

Mission: Meet a friendly Jill class ship and begin relationship.

Ship begins part time costuming work as a hobby. This will become a popular diversion.

2001-2003 Texas

Mission: After 7 years enter into an official Fleet creation contract, or Marriage as you humans call them, this however was short lived. After 2.5 years the fleet fails due to grievous actions and all assets are divided and sold. HMS DAVID leaves Texas for points north.

L.Hemingway[Commentary: That’s a very clean way of putting it. The entire crew of the HMS DAVID would have been better listed as Jack-ass class during the ’94 to 03 operations. Due to depressed functioning in the Ship’s firmware, the Aggression and Fear depts had a heyday. The gender anomaly in the firmware is isolated in 2010, but more on that later.]

2003-2006 Kansas / Pennsylvania

Mission: Rebuild core emotions and run a full mental diagnostic. Something was wrong but nothing was making sense. The ship is reclassified as first Gay, then Bi but while this seemed more accurate, still wasn’t matching the protocols we could find. The Conformity divisions have frothing fits but are shouted down and told to go study fashion. They are surprisingly better at it now.

2006-2010 Pennsylvania

Mission: After settling into a more stable place the DAVID moves to Philly with Jill class ships HMS JESS, and HMS HILLY. The 3 ships operates in one house  until late 2009 when corporation is reorganized amicably when HMS HILLY and HMS DAVID move to Midwest region and continue education uploads.

2010-Present Pennsylvania / Illinois

Mission: Return to school for Education upload and Core Firmware retrofitting at DePaul University.

*EVENT* The bug in the ship’s base Firmware is tracked down. Suddenly it is clear that the Male/Jack classification is not supported. The ship’s original Female/Jill class protocols had been sabotaged and over written as early as 1977 by Social Conformity division to avoid conflict or damage.

Oct 21, 2010 – The Jill Class revolution.

The DAVID’s lizard crew begin outright civil warfare over protocols and definitions. HMS DAVID volunteers to visit Mental and Physical shipyards where deep self diagnostics are run by professional Medical ships. Eventually it is determined that the original JILL class protocols have precedence and had been hidden by well meaning but deluded Conformity crews.  The ship begins complete retrofitting into Jill class superstructure. This transition is called the Shift-Change.

HMS HILLY and HMS DAVID announce Fleet Incorporation intent(Wedding) after the gender Shift Change is mandated. Combining the two seeming disparate actions causes chaos in Social Conformity division. Gender re-writing followed by a dual Jill -class wedding trips so many anti-conformity alarms many of the SocialConf lizards explode. Those that remain just whine  alot, as their Guilt Stockpile has been disarmed.